Any fan (and I’m one) can tell our leaders that advertising is the way to boost revenues dramatically. Anybody who has watched a game recently knows this is true. If it works for sports franchises, why not for Washington?
The first step would be to name the official products of various government agencies. The Ford Probe is an obvious choice as the official automobile of the Department of Justice. Taco Bell could be the official fast food of the U.S. Border Patrol. Sponsors would line up by the hundreds to make their gadget the official gadget of every office ill Washington.
Next would come the subtle placement of various products at televised events. When the president addresses the nation from the Oval Office, what could possibly look more natural than a Big Mac and some french fries sitting on his desk? Would it kill Newt Gingrich to appear on the network news with a Twinkle in one hand and a can of Dr. Pepper in the other?
This subtle promotion would be followed by a more aggressive approach. Wendy’s could start giving away congressional Action Figures with every meal. Collect them all, or just go after the members of your political party. Arby’s could sell a series of presidential drinking glasses.
Then we’d start to have corporate sponsors for all government functions. We’d no longer have a State of the Union Address; it would be the Miller Lite State of the Union Address. Should Coke or Pepsi sponsor the next congressional budget debates? Why do Supreme Court justices wear plain robes, when we could be selling the space on those robes to the highest bidder? During the Great Depression, Franklin D. Roosevelt got in trouble for his attempt to pack the court. He was way ahead of his time. Why not increase the number of justices by three and turn them into a 12-pack of Budweiser ads?
Congress is always declaring national days, weeks or even months in honor of something. National Soup Month is a good idea, but National Campbell’s Chunky Soup Month would make more sense- and money.
Advertising should be allowed on whatever our government produces. Betty Crocker ads would look great on the backs of food stamps; full-page color ads would enliven those boring government reports and lists of federal regulations. The corporate logo could replace the presidential likeness on our currency. Everything that comes out of the Department of Energy should have a picture of the Energizer Bunny on it.
Electronic message boards have been installed on some of the nation’s freeways to provide warnings to drivers who are heading toward the scene of an accident or a construction zone. These signs should be used for advertising. It may be convenient for a driver to know that a traffic jam is just ahead, but it would be even more helpful to know that Dairy Queen is having a sale on ice-cream Blizzards.
All these preliminary steps would add millions of dollars to the Treasury every year. But the big money would start to roll in when pols start auctioning off the names of our national parks, monuments and buildings to the highest bidder. If we have a Nokia Sugar Bowl, why not a Nokia Washington Monument? For an extra few million a month, perhaps Nokia could buy the right to paint a giant cellular phone on one side of the monument. When tourists climbed to the top of the Nokia Washington Monument and looked down into the tie flecting Pool, they’d see a giant Nike swirl emblazoned on the bottom of the pool. After that, they could stop by the Lincoln Continental Memorial, read the Gettysburg Address and cheek out the new features of this year’s model.
When they’ve done the monuments, tourists would have plenty of time to see the Barnes & Noble Library of Congress and the John Deere National Cemetery.
Gettysburg is a wonderful place to visit to learn about the great Civil War battle or President Lincoln’s famous speech. It will be even better when it becomes Disneyburg. Tourists will be able to enjoy the history of a national military park and Space Mountain on the same day. They will no longer need to walk along the paths behind Cemetery Ridge or drive their cars around the park. They can just step aboard the Disney tram and enjoy a nice long ride around the park while listening to “It’s a Small World.”
The tourists who drive to these national parks will be taking the KFC or Exxon freeway. Federal courts won’t be identified by district numbers; cases will be tried in the Wavy Lays’ courts.
The possibilities are endless, and so is the revenue that will be generated by this campaign. Billions of dollars will be added to the Treasury each year, and nobody will mind a bit. It has already happened in the sports world and almost nobody has complained about it. There is no reason to believe that it will be any less successful for our government.
If Washington needs more money, Congress could start threatening to move things. Legislators could tell the District of Columbia that special concessions must be made or the government will head to Nashville. Denver would be happy to pay to keep its airport from moving to Baltimore. Many of us would pay to keep a post office close to home.
The old approaches to solving our deficit problem are not working. It is time to follow the lead of men like Jerry Jones and George Steinbrenner and tap into these vast new sources of revenue.
